My friend Jane kept me posted as her relationship with her boss slid downhill. First the boss started jumping on her for the tiniest reasons, and then she began throwing Jane the worst assignments and impossible deadlines.
“I can’t figure it out,” said Jane. “I wouldn’t say that I love my boss or vice versa. But she’s never been up in my grill like this. All of a sudden, I can’t do a thing right.”
“It’s pretty strange,” I said. “What else is going on in your life?”
”Outside of work?” asked Jane. “Well, I’ve started dating a fantastic guy named Rob. It’s very exciting. We’ve been doing the best stuff together—next month we’re going to the opera.”
“That’s great, Jane,” I said. “Anything else?”
“I lost some weight this summer, and I decided finally to get scuba-certified,” Jane told me. ”Rob and I are going to Grand Cayman at Christmas to scuba dive. I’ve never been to the Caribbean before. I’m so excited to wear a two-piece swimsuit for the first time in ages.”
“Ay caramba, Jane,” I said. “I think I see your problem. Has your boss mentioned all the positive changes in your life?”
“You know, she has, but in weird ways,” said Jane. “She makes snide comments. One day I wore a new suit and she said, ‘That suit is certainly attention-grabbing.’ She never noticed me when I was chunky, but now she has a huge attitude around me. Liz, the suit is periwinkle blue—it’s not neon, and the skirt isn’t short or anything.”
“Jane, my darling,” I said, “your boss can’t stand your new energy. It’s threatening to her. She isn’t on fire and glowing the way you are. You’re electric. Of course she’s freaked out.”
“Why would my boss care about my life outside of work?” Jane asked.
“Your boss is a human being,” I said, “and a terribly fear-based human being at that. She’s always been crabby and competitive and small-minded. You’ve told me stories about her for years. Now things have gotten worse—she’s gunning for you. You’ve become so much more powerful lately. You’re in control of your life and making huge changes. You’re too big for her little ‘I’m the boss and I’m in control’ box now. She has to reassert her authority. How dare you lose weight and have a wonderful relationship and scuba dive? Who do you think you are?”
“All that, when I only deal with the lady maybe three hours a week?” asked Jane.
“You tell me,” I said. “Has your boss ever complimented you on the weight loss or your wonderful social adventures?”
“No, she only makes little passive-aggressive comments,” said Jane. “One time before I lost the weight, she said, ‘It’s better to stay overweight than to yo-yo diet.’ That was weird, because I’ve never yo-yo dieted. As soon as I started losing weight, she started digging into me. One time she said, ‘All the research says diets don’t work.’”
“Ouch.” I laughed. “She sounds like a toad. Why do you want to work for someone like that?”
“My boss is a toad, precisely,” said Jane. “No one who had a choice would ever want to work for her. I didn’t see that before. Since I’ve been shifting things around in my life and dating Rob, I can see that I don’t need to be afraid of people like her. I mean, what can she do to me? All she can do is fire me. She loves to try to keep me off guard worrying about getting fired. That’s all the power she’s got. I don’t really want to job-hunt right now, but I’m not going to quiver in my boots worrying about what she thinks of me.”
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